People Pretending To Know What They Are Talking About

I attended a Tech Conference recently. This is pretty much how it went.

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Event: The Best, Very Good, Greatest for Sure, Indubitably, I Kid You Not, I Swear On My Children, This is Actually and Very Really the Absolute Best Tech Conference On The Planet - Sponsored by Really Expensive and Barely Working Single Hero Product Company Pivoting to AI

Date: Saturday, 2026

Venue: Your Friendly Neighborhood Convention Center

Time: Around Morning So We Can Sell The Idea of Breakfast As Well

Welcome, welcome. Hear hear. Today only, a one time event! Come away, come away. Ladies and gentlemen. Come hither, come see, some creatures pretending to know what they are talking about!

All right. Thank you one and all for attending tonight’s esteemed event! We are pleased to have you all here, and would like to welcome you with all our hearts. I am Generic Replaceable One, I will be your Host for the evening and along with me will be my co-host, Generic Replaceable One Point Two.

Yes! Welcome welcome! Isn’t it exciting to be here! You know what, 1.2, I am terribly excited to be here. Are you? I am, I really am as well, Generic Replaceable One. What have we.. Excellent, thanks 1.2!

Now, have you all had breakfast yet? Why don’t y’all give me a shout if you have eaten breakfast yet!

There are no shouts

Come on! Where is all the breakfast that we had provided to all you ungrateful fucks this morning, come on. Cough it up idiots. Give me a shout!

One person shouts

Amazing! Lovely, now that’s what we are talking about. Now, let us start with the first session. Before we get into the main discussion panel. We will has this session lead by the sponsors and they will tell us about themselves, and how their day is going. If we're lucky we'll get to learn about their recent trip to Europe and how they chose which spoon for what meal. This will be a 4 hour session and it will be taking place in what we call a closed room policy. If you want to use the restroom you must use it now, you have 10 seconds.

Amazing, well done. That's time, now none will be allowed to leave the room, if there were to occur any emergency, you must submit a hand written application to one of our volunteers near the blue gate, the volunteers are wearing a celadon colored tie with vermillion hues of polkadots and fuchsia scented hats. Please submit your application 8 hours before the related emergency. Thanks. We shall now begin with the first session - "Why My Company Is Best Company At Businessing That Really One Thing, Minuscule Thing Really, Super Boring, But It Is Still Best And No Can Take That Away From Me"

Woooowowowowow, what an amazing session by our main sponsor, just truly wow. Wow. Wasn't that really wow-worth 1.2? Generic Replaceable One, it really was. Yes. We would like our Organiser to come on stage and facilitate the main sponsor with a bunch of crap and flowers that will decay before they can reach their car. Please put your hands together everybody! Thank God our Organiser had a slightly unemployed-behaving-but-loaded sponsor friend!

2 people clap.

You know what 1.2? What is it Generic Replaceable One? Why don’t we play a game? It seems like our audience seems to be a little low on energy.

15 people in the second row have fallen asleep and are snoring.

Let us play a game Generic Replaceable One, yes please, yes, right now! Haha, all right 1.2, calm your tits. Here is the game, it is a very simple game, we will all standup now. So standup please.

Many people standup in relief, thinking it is over. It is not.

All right, lovely, very nice. Great to see the enthusiasm. Now, here is what we are going to do. We want all of you to stand up, and put your hand up. Reach for the stars people, reach for the stars!

1.2 tries to reach for the stars along with several other people in the audience.

Amazing, lovely, very good. Very good. Now, I want everyone to take their hand and put it all the way behind them, all the way to the back.

1.2 attempts to fall backwards with precaution. Many people fall without. Most are standing and fine because they refused to take part in this nonsense.

Amazing, amazing! Very nice! Lovely. Now, I need you to take your hand, and reach all the way deep into your own ass, grab some fresh poop, and fling it across like the fucking monkeys that y’all are.

1.2 attempts to grab poop but is unable to as they are currently constipated. Many other people try to do the same, not a lot are able to grab much few. Few poops are flung across and on to the stage, especially at Generic Replaceable One.

At least one full poop has managed to hit Generic Replaceable One.

They are now walking around with poop on their head. It looks comical, very difficult to now take them seriously.

1.2 is disappointed in their ability to fling shit.

Generic Replaceable One is visibly pleased and beaming.

Amazing! Amazing amazing, well done. Wow! Unbelievable. Great job guys! Okay, now we shall invite the creatures who are only pretending to know what the fuck they are actually on about. Please welcome, our Half Creature, who will be Moderator for our panelists. Amazing, amazing. Please welcome our Moderator, Half Creature!

Whoa whoa, what is happening, This Town -- This Town! Wow wow, crazy crazy! How is the blood circulation friends? All good? How’s the diabetes? Excellent, excellent. All right, time to bring out our creatures who only pretend to know the fuck they are on about. Please welcome, Pretender A! Woot woot! Wow! Amazing. Now, out with Pretender Last Minute Replacement. Great. And last but not least, Female Pretender! Wowowowow! Madness, truly.

All right, welcome one. Welcome all. Come away now, and finally, without any further ado (it is illegal to not utter this sentence at least once in a conference), let us begin. So Pretender A, you have walked around in parks, you have done a bit of treadmill in the morning. I take it you are also one to have breakfast, am I right? Yes, you are right Half Creature. It is true. I have breakfast in the morning.

The audience fucking lose their fucking minds. Hooligans shaking and howling wildly, beyond help and civility

Wowowow, a regular breakfast eater. Can you believe it? Amazing. Now, Pretender Last Minute Replacement, why don’t you tell us about how you wash your hair twice a week.

I wash my hair twice a week.

What’s so special about that?

I wash my hair twice a week and one of those times, I do not use shampoo and use soap instead.

A little bit a of useless thing to do there isn’t it?

Audience agrees evidently

Moving on, swiftly. Now, Madam Female Pretender.

Yes, I am Female Pretender. I have been pretending for the last 40 years now and I have a lot of experience in removing my glasses before I sleep, also.

Wow! That’s is literally blowing my mind. As you can see here folks. We really have quite a start-studded panel here with some real rockstars to industry veterans who have a massively impressive bodies of work. Bow down you pathetic little peasants. Bow down, yes. Good.

Everyone bows down

Now, on to the topic at hand, the real reason why we have all gathered here and to learn from you lot. I will pose the first question to all of you. Let’s start with you first Pretender A. If the Universe is expanding, and the sun is being hurtled towards somewhere, and we are all just strung along for the ride. Basically on a roller coaster to our own end and the end of everything that we know. So, to avoid this big problem that is at least 4 billion years away from us, why don’t we construct two moon sized blackholes, have them hit each other at just the right angle, and thus forming a wormhole, take said wormhole to a completely new space and time where we can thrive when ours come to an end?

That’s lovely question Half Creature, and since I have some experience in eating breakfast in the morning, I would like to say, that when I wake up, I go to the kitchen. And I see that there is bread, there is peanut butter, but there is no jam. I am miffed. I am miffed beyond compare. Some would even dare say that I am most miffed. For the only thing I required now to have breakfast was jam, as only a monster eats peanut butter and bread. Anyway, what I did was that I walked up to my fridge, and in the fridge, lo and behold, there was jam all along. So you see, black holes aren’t chilling around in your fridges, do you know what I mean? Easier to make toast.

The audience is so fucking sold, they would eat their own shoes if commanded to at this point.

Amazing, now Pretender Last Minute Replacement, what about you.

I feel that wormholes are the future, and they are the way to go. All we need to do now is to somehow fully, and consistently contain the destructive power of a wormhole, see blackholes, are what? What are they literally? They are a condensed star. What is the sun? The sun is a star! So we already have a star you know! We are literally half way there, and if we could only crack the wormhole part, then the universe is ours, as they say.

As they say indeed, Pretender Last Minute Replacement. As they say, indeed. Now, I have a specific question for you Pretender A, what about Dark Matter?

Yes, Dark Matter, yes, Half Creature. That is a good question. My team and I used to tinker around with the beakers and chemistry lab sets, and we used try to figure out what chemical we could put in which chemical, and it would make our respective bosses happy. You know, so one day, I just thought to myself. Hey! Dark matter. You know what I mean?

I am sorry Pretender A, I do not follow.

Let me elaborate, let us say, you are driving in your car. What happens when the tire touches the road? A chemical reaction of course!

The audience gasps in horror

So now, with this chemical reaction, you can say with almost 90 percent certainty, that roads are a chemical solution. Boom. There you go. Dark Matter.

4 people in the audience have died and 16 have been put into a coma

Wowowowowowowowow, no words. No words. Amazing. Too beautiful, if I may say so myself. Brilliant stuff, wow. Gooseskin galore.

Now, I would like to ask a question to Female Pretender. How are you today? All good? Did you have tea? Coffee?

Yes.

Fucking amazing. Mind blowing stuff. Truly. Wondrous. Right, moving on now, as we are out of time.

Some gifts and pleasantries for our esteemed panelists, a small gift as a token of our appreciation.

I will call upon the Hosts for the gifts.

Generic Replaceable One enters, with the shit clearly still visible, making it difficult to take them seriously

Generic Replaceable 1.2 follows closely behind

Thank you so much, and thank you one and all for that incredibly insightful performance. That truly was something. That really was. Wasn’t it 1.2?

Yes.

Amazing, now I would like to ask you all to calmly and smoothly make your way towards the merchandise section, where the merch is of course free and yours to grab.

People make a break for it at speeds that would make a coyote blush. There is chaos at the gates, of which there were two, for a 1000 seater. There is chaos at the stands, people are now engaged in fisticuffs. There is a fire in the parking lot, and four man-children are crying, holding scalding hot but free coffee in their hands.

Another day, another shit show of a conference. A master class in Fucked Event Management. But hey, at least there was swag.